Where's Wallow: NYC addition.

So, I'm back in the city after a not so brief hiatus to Niagara Falls. If you didn't know, there is a hugh part of me that has yet to fall in love with NYC. Which is odd because the moment i came here for the first time while doing college visits I was so enamored and in love. It energized me. I spend a lot of time in my head trying to get back to that place. I am sure this city hasn't changed, though it is constantly changing, the energy and the heart of it remains the same. I just believe that as i've gotten older I've changed which is good i suppose. My main problem, i believe, is how hard it is to make actual connections with people. Everyone in this city is always trying to go somewhere. Both literally and metaphorically. This city spends most of its down time in commute which in itself is just exhausting. Never staying in one place for very long. Daily, jumping from appointment to lunch date to game night to job. Electronically jumping from website to website to text message to e-mail to pinterest to Facebook to youtube link to youtube link TV show to Tv show to ipod. Socially, trying jump from group of friends to better group of friend to better position at work to better job. Or even yearly from apartment to apartment borough to borough. No one seems to stop in this city and it just exhausts me at my core. When i find the people and things that matter I have to fight so hard to make them part of my life. and yes the fighting is worth it but yes the fighting is tiring. So all in all there is something about this city that doesn't fit me.

I've been heard to say that I don't like many people... and that isn't completely accurate. I just don't like facades or peoples insecurities that cause them to place expectations on me to view them a certain way which, though it may be false, makes them more comfortable and that happens in spades in this city. I suppose it happens everywhere but there is just so many people here that the ones i'd like to talk are lost to me. It's like a Where's Waldo. I try to find solace in my writing. I've been writing a lot of songs about NYC. My "metro period" of sorts. I will post them later. they are not the point of this post. The meat of it is that I realized something about myself today. I was in foul mood all week. I had recently taken a job which requires me to commute 3 hours of my day to get paid not enough to pay my rent let alone my bill and leave me tired and without enough time or energy to devote to the boy I love or the experiences I love. My days off were consumed with running around doing errands and I just thought oh, Jess's (myself) depressed again. And I was but the remedy was in front of me. Today, just by chance I was alone, two roommates gone. And somehow it was enough to relieve my anxiety. I can write. clean. read. think. Hear quiet. its therapeutic and It struck that that must be why my life is so much better when I leave the city. Its just so hard to be alone here for any amount of time and there is something about me and the way my mind works that needs it, or at least does better under those circumstances. It allows me to reset in a way. To not lose myself so I can actually GIVE myself to the people and things I love when I am with them and not be stressed and resentful about it. I know it sounds silly but this realization has the potential to be revolutionary for me. I hope I am right. I hope it is.

Maybe finding a way

to feel alone

in this city

is just what I need

to feel a part of it.